The Deviant Spider [entries|friends|calendar] Akihito Kawamera [ userinfo | greatestjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | greatestjournal calendar ]

Full stop. Train's runnin' past five. [18 Sep 2005|08:56am] ((NOTE: He TALKS southeren, but types normal XD makes it easeir on me XD)) I've been wandering aroudn town, trying to get things sorted for Tohru and I.. it's just kinda been hard.. people keep fucking following me. I .. ran into someone that kept laughing manaically and trying to get me to do shit, and .. it scared me. I didn't understand what was going on all over again.. Somedays i wish i wasn't a clone, that i actually had my own life.. and i wasn't just some pawn toy for someone to play with. 12 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

Songs to live by, i managed to see this somewhere in the complex.. [11 Sep 2005|10:44pm] cut to countdown jamie was so cold. do you know why we kiss and then lie? coma life is getting like karmacide now out to lunch you count aloud i know that creole soul. yeah. coma white you cut me. crash and quit yeah inner weakness was a jewel now she be pretending. deial. could not say now she be pretending a lie every night took on a kimono dancer tell me why we kid to ourselves she walk along. anonymous and in a nightmare ignoring me. high. here we go everything pose. pose everything pose. pose everything pose. pose everything pose we know we have this impulse no karma now. just a look and crawl down with me reastion to you cruches me down silver mouth. tell me could you kill a dead man? tell me. could you ju-ju me now? eveybody wants to be somebody. some kind of shiny make believe yeah. my cucharacha couls i teach you power so come on give me what i need everything pose. pose everything pose. pose everything pose. pose everything pose we know we have this impulse everybody wants to be somebady. some kind of shiny make-believe everybody wants to be somebady so come on give me what i need everything pose. pose everything pose. pose everything pose. pose everything pose we know we have the same pulse everything pose. pose everything pose. pose everything pose. pose everything pose we know we have this impulse 1 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

Post One: Leavin' On A jet Plane [30 Aug 2005|09:17pm] I'm sittin' here on the plane with Tohru, poor little shit's scared to his lil' bones. I miss my mother dearly, my dad had no right to kill her. But if i stayed, he threatened to kill me just for being a mutant. Mom exuded brilliance when it came to dealing with my mutation, she didn't hide me.. she didn't throw me out. She embraced me. Kioko Kawamera, may you rest in peace. Anyways, i did research. I found out who i was created from, and how long ago it really happened.. i am the same age as i am, nothigns has chaged there. but it .. it is interesting to see all the exact similatiries between me and the man i'm created from. I dont intend to call him father. I intend to thank him for what happened, even though i know it was done without his consent. There are clones out there that, the united states have made without the right technology that are totally synnthetic. I am not of them. I want wings

Second Post. [05 Feb 2005|10:25pm] [OOC: >>; senshudan's not up yet but i'm bored.] Saitoh's been leading us blindly into battles that need to be left to the police, and i'm sort of tired of Justin letting him do that. It seems to me that nobody cares, unfortunatley i can't do anything. If i converse with a person, i have two choices.. Talk as though it's my 'biological' age, and be looked at like i'm needed to be in special needs, or talk as though i am ... as though i am who has posessed me. Who unfortunatley is stuck for time on end. It's interesting having him around ... it's really interesting.. but i.. i miss being ten. I miss it because it wasn't that long ago, maybe a few months that i had my tenth birthday. I got the playstation three from saitoh, my sorta cousin..He's related to my sadly departed adoptive Father. I've let this guy roam free the best i can, let him do as he wishes.. but i'm gonna have to stop letting that happen, he smokes and drinks and i dont want to die young. It's bad enough i almost did. On the other hand, some of that's a good thing.. he's skilled at many things i would've probably learned later yes.. but i do'nt have later now do i? No, i don't. He picked out a bunch of stuff that made him comfortable with the way i looked, it wasn't that i was comfortable and he wasn't.. you have to remember .. i'm still used to being ten, we don't give a rat's ass about our hair and what shoes we wear. He picked out some natural colored extentions since Jessica told me that i can't look too much like him or else something might be figured out? But yea. ... 'i want wings, so i can fly and get the fuck out of here.' 2 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

- TEST AND INTRO - [02 Feb 2005|04:23pm] *gets hit by a frying pan* Fuxx you >>; what did i ever do to you? >>; Ah. i get it. >>; almost opened my mouth that's what. *lights a ciggarette* Akihito Kawa... kawa whaaaaaa? >>; *reads paper* Kawamera. >>: Supposedly i'm the adopted son of whoha.wha? >>; Oh ... *can't read evidently* Koh Nomanano. [OOC : NO HE IS NOT hide's ADOPTED SON IN JROCK MUTATION, THIS IS FOR SENSHUDAN!] Eeey... gimme back my beer! *runs after necromance* >>; oooo... strawberry condoms 8D! Hmm.. i wonder if.. yo-............*gets hit again* WHAT? I CANT SAY HIS NAME? HE EXISTS DAMNIT!! *sighs* Nevermind. >>; i'll stay put in this place. FOR NOW. >>; *roams off to some random museum in yokosuka, gets dragged back by necromance* O_O .......but i wanted clothes that look nice, not just a stupid wife beater and black shorts! 1 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

[02 Feb 2005|04:20pm] Ok since i've deleted 6 months worth of entries. >>; NOTICE TO ALL PEOPLE ON FRIENDS LIST: This is NOW the journal for: Akihito Kawamera ... Next post he'll introduce himself. hopefully he's able to >>; senshudan I want wings

i called him ^_^ [28 May 2004|10:33pm] [ mood | bored ] I feel better now, i called him :D i found his number, it was the one with paul.. they moved from ascot st to the other street i cant remember. WE ARE FIXING THE COMPIE TOMORROW!!!! (It better DAMN welll be the fucking power supply or i'll whine scream kick and moan) Anyways, he's on MSN, and that means i have to re-download it but i'm not worried... cable or no cable... it's easy to find it.. and i might still have it on my HD. whee. that made me feel better. watch, next i have a dream about mel and me macking thor in the dunedin airport. then i'll have a dream about liz and mel macking each other in front of ben... ... >< i know i'm sick and twisted. I want wings

... i spent an extra hour sleeping for this one. [28 May 2004|12:04pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | PLC- Gekiai No Merry Go Round (Real music eh?) ] Ok time for another dream.. one i can remember for once. This time having to do with someone i havent seen since probably the monday before i left. Really, it baffles me with these dreams. It started off as someone coming to visit, and i find out it's sean.. (Sean being someone i went to high school with in NZ) .. but when he shows up he shows up as a younger boy... (Don't ask me.. i just dream the damn thing) We go a few places, like a mall or two.. and i hear he's got to go.. So we (i dont remember who else was with me .. it mightve been kasey) .. part ways and say goodbye. (Here's the clincher..) I go to bed that night crying, i believe i fell asleep for a bit.. and then i felt something or someone warm. I wake up and it's sean. (and he's like shirtless too.. which is kinda icky. i dont remember if he had pants on either) (here's the weird part) I let him sleep next to me.. and i think at some point sean told me to close my eyes and i open them again and a flat chested weird looking pre teen girl is sitting in front of me.. but that much i dont remember.. then i think it was the next day we just sat on the grass. [note, my mom did show up in this at one point, and i did mention a few recent things a bout the computer... but what's weird is i live with my dad] (next thing is i think i had two dreams this morning... they just seemed like one) I go to some conference with a bunch of people that are african american.... (Dont ask) and near the end it pours inside and outside with some sort of liquid drug, and we have these cotton candy like sticks... i run on some bus and toss em' out the window and i'm not drugged anymore... but what's weird is.. we're driving down some japanese town lane or something... ... please tell me why i have these odd dreams. The reason i'm interested to know why i'm having these weird dreams, is i had a similar one where a guy i knew showed up as a small boy. (in fact i kinda remember part of it....here:) This dream had to do with Josh Banks (i knew him through AOL.. he had SN's like Sintesa and DarknessC and stuff.. i thought he was my one and only bla bla bla.. XD puppy love you could call it) ... anyways ... I hadnt met him face to face yet, (i have after the dream) and here i am in my old neighbor hood and the most i can remembre is following him around .. him being about 11 and me being 16... i remember a tree house and it being in my old neighbor hood.. because he was in the alleyway i think behind either kc's house or my old one. See? I'm screwed up. Anyways, the first dream leads me to think i have to contact him. I should find his phone number and call him tonight. Hopefully he's still at his parents. With my luck he lives in france by now XD and on top of that he'll be a travel agent! I want wings

Massive attack..... the dreams dont stop. [26 May 2004|12:30pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Lots of it, it's all in my head XD ] I'm tired of not knowing what some of these dreams stand for. I swear to god the first one i had last night was someone calling from Ranstad telling dad he lost his job. The second one, i remember a bit more clearly since i JUST woke up damnit. and the dream was odd, really odd... It was supposedly at the airport... and i'm runing for a flight that i'm about to go on.. yet i'm at baggage check.. and i take my shoes off and LEAVE them there. Then i'm running other places, and then i'm discussing with my dad WHY i have to leave and the most i got out of him was " Well i thought it would be best" (Mind you this is in the first week of june evidently this is happening) and i'm sitting there saying "True, i've been having problems getting a job." .. and then i say something abotu vanessa and a sister???? We do more running around to find my shoes and this airport looks like an odd mall crossed with an airport (Much more mall then airport, i mean yes aiprots have duty free shopping) .. and we run into people i so caleld "remember' and they wanted to know something so we said it... and then we found my shoes. Ok, now here's the crazy part.. my dad's then leaving for the car to go home when i realize "OH SHIT I DONT HAVE MY VISA" ... and i hear something on the speaker about "500,000" for a visa or something.. couldve been for the cars or something but i'm running to the car.. and then i slowly wake up XD ..... sucks to be me huh? and as usual 12:15 runs around and pat's down for osmething , this time the new dishwasher to be installed tomorrow. I swear everytime i have a dream and i'm trying to remember it, i picture hide for some reason. Which is weird, because the last time that happened i was trying to remember the dream where eyo was singing like toshi XD I want wings

Silent jealousy.. wont you leave me alone. [24 May 2004|08:03pm] [ mood | bored ] Gaah. Dont ask why i've been weird feeling all weekend... i keep grabbing for the phone and wanting to dial andi's number. I really hope that if i move back to mom's i'll be able to put it all behind further than i have now. I'll have kate, vanessa, jenna.. and thor and greg to talk to, and ben... even if he's moving to SD before i move back to mom's. (Hell we might even get to see each other before i leave.) Jenna's buying my hide pin from me.. I seriously am ok with that, because it was a rash and impulse buy....and then rash and impulse rebid after i was outbid >< I'm stupid i know. ' Silent jealousy won't you leave me alone ' ..... yes on to the more depressing bullshit that i always write in here. I am returning all the wicca books and videos to the library i got them from, and forgetting i ever went on this bullshit journey. I'm not into wanting to cast spells to better the earth, i am somewhat of a selfish person and would like to stay that way. I'm tired of walking down a path i'll never understand. I'm tired of searching for love in the right and wrong places. I'll just search for friends to keep me warm until i am ready for my descision. I understand i could die tomorrow and go to hell, but in some ways it's better than killing myself with worry that i dont have the right or wrong religion. I may stick with christianity... but not now. Not while i have too many other things to worry about. I dont have the strength to search my heart for power on wicca the way i should, along with the power to search for my relationship with god.....and i dont know if i ever had god in my heart... i never felt it.. it was a selfish egotistical way to get my way. Sometimes i wonder why i even write in this, one because it's public and people get to see the bullshit i go through instead of just asking me. two, because nobody ever responds. But then again, i've been saying that since i was on livejournal. I"m finally at a point where i dont have my old friends tailing my journals, and complaining about everything i do. Ah well. I guess i'm not half as depressed as i wanted to be XD 1 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

the annoyances of this day reign supreme. [23 May 2004|01:38pm] [ mood | devious ] [ music | tornado sirens.. er civil defense for something.. i give up. ] Ok so it's sunday, and i'm writing more than once in a week.. SO FUCKING what.. i'm utterly bored and i need to do something, nobody is really on that i can bug the shit out of (Remember i id stuck with AOfuckingHell 4.0 because the INTERNET DOST NOT WORK ON AOL 6.0 ......... i'm half tempted to re-install AOHell 6.0 so i can use AIM again and bullcrap like that.. but then i shouldnt... GAH) ...... anyways June 3rd ... graduation FINALLY for me. I'm 21, and im finally getting my ass out of the range of "Have you gotten out of high school yet?" .. it's more official now then it was when i cheated my ass way through it with 5 fucking tests. Dude i just i still beat myself up for not staying with the last 5 credits i had to get, and working for them... I went job hunting, since campysnoopy is a fucking SNOB when it comes to hiring people. "Oh we'll double check your schedule" ..... basically being told to fuck off right on the spot.. OTHERS WERE GETTING INTERVIEWS RIGHT AT THAT TIME... WHICH PISSES ME OFF... I TOOK TIME OUT OF MY SATURDAY FOR THIS AND THEY RAM ME TO THE SIDE LIKE I DONT MATTER. .... Other interesting news, our lease is ending in july. We must be out before July 31st. It's not horrible, it's just trying to find a place that we'd like while still saving money. I Literally dont want to live in the roseville area again... transportation SUCKS ASS out here. Then again, jobs out here suck ass. Dad has never gotten hired aside from ONE job in this area..... both of us have attempted several times to get a job in this area... and he gets hired in hopkins, bloomington... places that are MUCH more interesting. What's so interesting about roseville? I grew up here practically, goddamn near drives me up a wall. I mean hell, this place and the east side of st paul just are the most annoying places on earth. Someone can bomb this place after i leave, rosedale doesnt need to exist. I'm hoping we get a place out in the southern minneapolis suburbs. That's if my credit check goes through... i forgot about credit checks. If i'm on the lease they'll see i have no credit and slam me aside and tell my dad to get a permanent job. Someone please just tell me why there is no damn god? "look in your heart" .... yea i did... look at this whole damn weekend.. what did i do? what the hell did .. oh wait that's right i learned some wicca techniques. that's right i'm now a satanist. GOOD GOD....... Somebody please tlel me why the christian religion is so fickle and so damn RESTRICTIVE? I was about to do both a couple weeks ago, but suddenly i'm told that if i do both i go to hell. I AM IN HELL PEOPLE... i'm stuck with a packard bell computer that i cant do anything on, i'm a multimedia based educated brat who misses playing in photoshop, misses watching her videos... and most of all? my father is unstable.. and my grandmother is the devil. and the damn sirens are running off, fun .. let's see who's getting killed by fires today. I'm tired of living in a small little quaint town that acutally shouldnt exist and should be half of roseville and half of maplewood. LITTLE CANADA IS A DINKY FUCKING TOWN .... IT DOESNT EXIST. Roseville is a city .. Little canada didnt reach 2500 last census. salute my fucking ass.. 1 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

More or less it seems like i'm done. [20 May 2004|12:15pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Whatever's on MTV hits ] I'm not comitting suicide or anything, i'm just tired emotionally... i've got a father who is a loving father, but his emotional way to deal with things is that of a 16 year old boy, throw it and smack it till it works. (I've tried to NOT adapt to that.... but it's hard when you have unstable influences in the house) We've got until July 31st to be out of here. Dad's all like "IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD" Literallly, he was depressed why? b ecause he ASSUMED we'd have the lease extended for a year. No, because he made a mistake. Just because when i was screaming i needed to run from grandma... doesnt mean i couldnt torture her another couple weeks until we found something else cheaper. 750 for a one bedroom? That's usual in my area, i live in the ritzier less poor suburbs of st paul. It seems that the ritzier minneapolis suburbs are cheaper. I dont know whether to ask for prayers, goodness or what.. but i just need all the strength i can get .. i've got a job fair to go to this saturday. Dad assumes i can just get a job out of thin air because i have minor retail experience, and i'm young. I AM 21, THEY DISLIKE HIRING PEOPLE OVER 18. This i know is true, i've always tried for mall jobs, and suddenly either they're not hiring, or they hired some blonde 16 year old who failed english class because she was shopping at Neiman Marcus in New York. This world is just too full of hypocrisy. On the world of religion, i'm looking for something that isn't CLICHE, every day ritual and different. Sad as it is, i'm also looking at something friends of mine from high school HAVENT thought of. Which i'm sure Andi is queen Wicca behind my back already. I know it's been months i should be over them... but i'm angry at them, they were supposed to be best friends.. they were supposed to support me and be willing to discuss problems... isntead they ran away from me.. became distant... when i wanted intellectual discussion, the discussion was changed from politics to emily or anime. Trying to talk abotu religion would be like trying to do a missionary trip. I'm angry because i've gotten friends who are intelligent, and are more thna happy to have intellectual discussions. Then i'm not counting maia or amy... they have psychological problems that are majorly annoying. Amy thinks it's all ben's fault, when really it was both of them... and BEN was willing to work it out and just be friends... Amy didnt want that.. it was like a 20 year marriage and a nasty divorce with custody over the BSB videos >< Maia... while she is a smart friend, and a good friend.. she misdiagnosed me as manic depressive, and still says the doctor is wrong. Not everyone is manic, or depressive. I think maybe dad was misdiagnosed, i think he is depressed, he's just in denail like his mother. But anyways, maia and i had intelligent discussions that led to anger every night... we didnt agree on anything, aside from that Mana was cool, and azumanga daioh was funny. My friends from AI didn't really care to contact me much after i left. Which didn't piss me off. They were intelligent, and i miss them all.. but it was an environment i needed to leave. I couldnt stay without being torn to shreds. I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place, i've got a couple new friends.. but i have to leave them, and possibly earlier than i expected. Because of my father's unstable emotions that are hard to change and fix, i have to be with a more stable household, my mom's. My mom is more than happy to have me there. But the problem is going to be gathering the money. the CHEAPEST fare is 1500 something, either frontier or northwest. Frontier seems to be a nice airline. Anyways, i need to get into a more stable fixed state of life. something i can come out of more grown up. Something that could possibly lead to my dream of owning my own japanese culture shop. I want to do that, i really feel like that's something i could excel at.. with my love for the culture... i'd be no good at teaching... no good at anything else.. but i want a shop of my own. Something good that i could pass down to my own kids if i ever have them... or pass it down to someone worthy. I dont know, maybe i'm just day dreaming. 6 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

..... [13 May 2004|08:28pm] [ music | Britney Spears - Everytime ] Sorry for anyone trying to fuckin contact me yesterday afternoon and evening.. MY PHONE WAS DISCONNECTED >< (We have problems affording stuff, so send money peez! DONATE TO THE POOR FUCKS!) Ok. So we all know that i've made a small step in deciding to learn and become wiccan AND christian.. meaning furthering my path down the right road by protecting myself from things i dont need.. (Don't let my dad tell you that wicca is bad, it's not) I dont know what sparked it.. i just i dont know.. i feel bad for claiming it's in my heritage.. because it's not.. i just found out AFTER i learned stuff that wicca is a celtic thing.. I am after all a fake redhead and half irish XD I'm gonna attempt to learn more japanese soon.. somehow maybe i dunno.. I need someone to teach me is the problem.. and i'm too fuggin' chicken to ask.. i have the book called "Japanese step by step" by Gene Nishi.. it's annoying and stupid. 18 bucks worth of bullshit >< What i need is BEGINNERS kana .. i swear to god i suck still at kana. My katakana will always be better than my hiragana.. and my KANJI ... IS ENOUGH TO CHOKE SOMEONE it's that bad!!! Anyways, i need to hurry and learn some more before i grab books n'such (attempting to hide my wishes to be wiccan/christian under a guise of "it's me learning abot relgion.. remember i beleive in education, therefore i teach self about other religion!") i gotta hurry.. dad my catch me. I want wings

choices. [12 May 2004|11:42am] [ mood | busy ] [ music | Eminem - Superman ] I sorta hafly so far made the choice that i'm going to mix and blend my beleifs. and the joke within that: I'm not gonna stop killing ants if i see em' crawing on my keyboard, that be MY fucking space.. after seeing one on my spaghetti plate the other night, i wanted to SMOOSH it.. and i did.. because it's MY FOOD.. those ant's .. they're food be outside.. NOT IN MY FUCKING APARTMENT :D I've been reading up on wicca behind my father's back, meaning more now than ever i feel like i'm younger than i actually am. People ... (I actually just apologized to a bug, i wanted to find out what it was it was on my state ID.. it fell off XD .. i'm sowwy buggie) ... anyways. people usually end up doing this when they're in high school. I chose this so far because i have celtic heritage. and Wicca is celtic. I'm not sure i feel good about wearing a pentagram, but i'm more than happy to respect and celebrate nature, and do things to help nature. It really probably springs from my fascination for the magic, springing from roleplaying.. and from x-men. I know i'm a dork, and i'm a major freak but at least im' realizing it now *nervous laugh* ANYYYYWAAAAAAAAYS. Off the odd subject of wicca, i dont want to go further into it until i'm sure i want to mix and blend.. right now i said i want to.. but i want to make sure.. Other news, June 3rd .. .GRADUATION! I was supposed to graduate three years ago, but i took my GED last year, and missed graduation last year, but i'm allowed to go this year.. i suppose i should like give the adult high school my GED scores. ( i was supposed XD) I'll have time to do that when i do my job hunting, i'll hop on a bus on a tuesday or thursday and go say hi to everyone :D I got the invitation to actually get my diploma. I feel sorta proud.. ok more than that XD I'm happy, and i feel silly that i'm graduating the same year as Vanessa and Jenna.. but it'll be interesting.... oh shit i should go call vanessa. I'll be back to explain more later probably :D I want wings

an update from last night. [11 May 2004|04:35pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Sugababes new song, and Sean Paul on the TV ] Well i told ben about what was going on, and he was like "You really need training, at least for meditation and shielding" .. I admit, i didnt back down.. i wanted something to protect me.. and both him and thor promised me that even if my beliefs are christian, meddling in minor protection of the magick kind.. shouldnt do damage.. it should help.. but i'm gonna have to keep it from my parents.. or at least from my mom for a bit.. dad would freak. I was actually able to see stuff.. which was weird. we're discussing style change: ManaTrance: I'm ditching my old casual style ManaTrance: Going more for the professional style Pnkxspdr: Well i've been trying to re-do my style.. but i dont have enough money Pnkxspdr: i want to keep my tshirts for at home and hang out.. ManaTrance: the loan's not for the style change, heh ManaTrance: it's for the car Pnkxspdr: but i want more edgier and a little more professional.. slight touch of dark goth.. but still bright enough to show color. Pnkxspdr: Well i figured, but you mentioned stlye change ManaTrance: yeah ManaTrance: nice shirts and jeans for casual 2 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

[10 May 2004|11:07pm] [ mood | WHEE, tired.. > ] [ music | Random stuff floating.. mostly silent jealousy and endless r ] http://www.dreamdoctor.com/dreamboard/dreamboard.html I shouldve called the show tonight, but alas i'm chicken as all hell to do it. As well as the fact i'm still seeing humanoid shapes, and while i could just chicken out and ask god for help.. it doesnt quite work that way.. not if these spirits actually have a purpose for being in my apartment.. i'm only scared because i had a dream when i was 5 or 6.. that ghosts or something were invisible and coming out of the closets in coats.. coats i didnt remmeber seeing in that closet before.. and i've never been able to get over my fear of the dark. i've gotten BETTER with it, but it depends on better.. due to the fact that i cant sleep with nightlights because the shadows bug me.. but i can sleep with lights from the yard of the complex.. the "street" type lights in the back of the complex are dim enough to light my room just enough so i can see outside and i can see what i'm doing in my room. but it still bugs me that i've got major objects in my room that i'm afraid of.. there is a vacumm in my room, the handle drives me insane because i'm afraid .. and with this fear comes great fear even worse.. that the handle will liquify and form a shape that will scare the living fucking shit out of me.. and give me a heartattakc before im 22. On other notes, i talked to vanessa about hide's death today.. and i was confirming the section i've read before that it WAS an accident. Corners can SCREW off, i believed from the start it was an accident.. granted it took a bit to COMPLETLY beleive it.. but it was a japanese news source she said that told about how it was a pain reliever.. and i could see that.. my understanding is that since hide was drunk, he was getting tired and was having problems staying awake.. concious enough to take himself out of it.. and passed out. I also talked to her about kami, she's worried that because he hasnt been around visitng her .. that something is wrong. Like he's helping fight some sort of war.. I'm worried too, because i know she cherishes his company, and i'm sure anyone would.. Kami seems like even after his passing, like one of the sweetest kindest men.. anyone could meet.. Ok that was cute i just saw an old dutch chips commercial. "Where were you when halloween took a snow day?" .. BUT HEY OLD DUTCH.. I WENT OUT THAT NIGHT!! I WAS DRESSED AS A WITCH!! REALLY! JUST CAUSE MINNESOTA GOT ANOTHER F'IN BLIZZARD DIDNT STOP THIS 3RD GRADER FROM GOING OUT THAT YEAR! (mind you if your not on my friends list and your a random person, i AM 21. this blizzard happened OVER 10 years ago) it was cute. Ok jenna's bitching at hide again.. making it hard to fucking update.. Dude jenna, like LET him wear his fucking leather.. either that or sell it to justin XD I want wings

Annoyances, greif etc.. whatever you wanna call it. [05 May 2004|06:48pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | I was watching angel, my mood feels like illyria. ] Ok i'm royally annoyed.. remember how i said i got the runs last week? Well now my dad has it.. and the only thing wrong with me is a cut in my fucking armpit.. why is this so significant to my day? Because i was .. TRYING to carefully shave so i could treat the fucking cut with hydrogen peroxide, and a bandaid.. and what happens? Dad shits himself >< Of all the things that peeves me.. he has the nerve to not be able to tell when he has to go. On top of that i'm getting annoyed at the fact that we need that computer fixed, i have all these ideas.. but i dont know.. it's just a pain to see the damn things being knocked from under our knees so fast. I am most likley returning to school for a semester, the stress may kill me (leading up to getting there that is..) but right now staying at home bored and then getting a job and having no motivation? Come on, i've tried that.. I need a job and school to have the motivation to work. It's not like i work for my mom at the moment.. i will later.. but i'm still at my father's.. My choice is clear, Normandale college in bloomington. I refuse to go to cenutry, they dont have the classes i want, and i don't like facing my high school friends either. (I'll get to that later.) .....damnit there he goes again (dad that is). Anyways, the University is a damn liberal outpost with shit i dont need to see, nor do i care to. I'd rather go to a smaller community college with the alloted time i want with a couple of courses to help me in the future. I'm still able to use my stafford loans it seems, but i'll be making that choice when Bremer's package comes in the mail. I need to apply soon so i can register and get my classes started. But here's the catch, i need to have ALL of my money in for ALL of my classes by registration. This is not something i'm able to do, but something tells me i cant just sit and idly watch my chance at a decent education run past my eyes. Then again this is probably the same thing that told me not to steal when i was three. I think taking these courses will be a step in the right way of growing up. I'll be able to get a job for the semester, earn money to pay for books and other things. I'll even save for money for the airefare and spending at the airports. Too bad i cant convince mom to let me have an hour in tokyo airport ^_^. I admit i'm scared to go home, but i'm scared to stay. I've got problems i can't work out with my dad because .. they're too advanced for him, he doesnt understand it.. yet. Alot of my problems now are problems he's finally facing in his fourties, and i'm kinda just sorta sick of having a twenty year old father. My mom was able to grow up, then again it was somewhat of a different situation.. but still. I'm just .. i dont know. I'm just tired of people seeing me as this uptight immature bitch who is afraid of things. But that never changes, no matter how i try to change. and it sickens me that a person's nature sticks to them like super glue throughout the years. 2 So i can fly and get the fuck out.|I want wings

update-su [04 May 2004|01:18pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Liz Phair - Why Can't I Breathe ] Not like anyone really cares aside from jenna.. but i'm not sick anymore.. at least i dont think.. i drank milk and i felt something weird.. (scuze me i'm having my period RIGHT after i was sick.. so its not like i know what felt weird) Anyways, i doubt we're even GOING to fix the computer due to the fact that we just can't afford it. Really, it came at the worst time.. and it's having a really bad effect on dad and i. We've been screaming alot at each other about things that dont' even get solved. Mainly because this is a stupid guy thing that maybe i'll have to deal with another time when i start dating.. but my dad just doesnt get logic.. it takes him 5 times, and when someone else says it.. he gets it. I've told him how he could deal with things, because i've been dealing with things the same way. Does he listen? no, he just screams at me like i dont know what i'm talking about. I know he loves me, he says it.. and proves it.. Its just kinda one of those things where it's not smart for us to be living in the same house. (i swear to god this is meant for soap operas, not real life.) On other things, i'm having a party at the end of the month. But i'm afraid of it.. i'm afraid of it because i havent had a non-alchoholic party in years ... not one that was related to anime and jrock. I'll be the oldest, and i dont know how parents want to take that.. which is my fear.. I'm really not liking this year at all, this is really been the worst. From my friends leaving me in the dust and calling me names, to them not coming to my 21st, and on top of that not wanting to come to our new apartment. I miss the old days with andi and sheila, it just feels empty. If those days didn't have the whole infatuation bit, it'd have gone a bit smoother.. but how was i to know that sheila didn't like me at all? I just feel like an empty shell, really the most i've done with anyone is the convention.. and while i had fun.. and vanessa is a great friend.. I just, i just remembre that we were all going to go together originally. and then i also remember that andi and sheila backed out of team alpha, taking the copyright to them.. which makes my efforts of writing SA moot, because i'm breaking copyright laws, SA is theirs by default because it was andi's idea. What am i supposed to say, just because i'm the writer means it's my idea? No, it was their idea, and it was their presence that had fueled it. I can't find the fuel to keep it up, i can't find the spark that was there... the spark of forbidden love that i had can't be replaced anymore.. Even with my ADHD i know i act younger than i am, but the way i was in high school depended on who i chose to be... and that's why i'm still acting younger to this day.. I knew how to act like a gentlemen to sheila.. but did i know how to act like a 16 year old girl to her? no. Instead i'm 21, and i still act 16.. because the years i was 16.. were taken up by a passion that was SO fucking naive it wasn't funny. What can i say? i was blind. VERY blind. the only song that comes up with that feeling is "Why can't i breathe, when ever i think about you" and just that part of the song. I want wings

update [01 May 2004|04:08pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Eminem feat D12 - Leader of My Band ] still no comp i've had the runs for two days straight goign on three... and my strenght is gone to go anywhere. if anyone is online on AIM tomorrow and wants to do some hide memorial type festivities let me know.. plese. i'll attempt to get on.. pnkxspdr is my aol/aim name i gtg. ~" My salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance and take off their underpants.. MY SALSA!"~ I want wings

stressed. [28 Apr 2004|02:29pm] [ mood | annoyed ] i'm having problems connection to AOL.. but if you catch me im under pnkxspdr ... AIM wont work on my old computer. computer still not fixed. it's way too fucking cold in the library.. i ended up getting a touch of a fever from having the window open last night .. grrr.. it's like 80 out and i'm STILL cold. anyways.. i got done what i needed to.. talk to y'all later. I want wings

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]